


Allow Me This (Deleted Scene)

by osunism



Series: Lightning In A Bottle [18]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Deleted Scenes, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 17:26:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3658899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osunism/pseuds/osunism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An outtake of the angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Allow Me This (Deleted Scene)

**Author's Note:**

> I found this scene too nice to delete entirely, so I will immortalize it here.

    “If there’s nothing else then we’re adjourned and you’re all free to go.” I watch them file out, watch them go off to do whatever it is they do when they’re not answering to the Inquisitor. I wonder what Josephine does in her free time, or Leliana, or even Morrigan. These people who are all under my command all have their own separate lives, fears, thoughts, wishes, and dreams. What if the Inquisition dissolves when I’m gone? Where will they go? What will they do?

    Cullen is lingering by the doorway.

    “Walk with me?” He asks. I say yes, because he likes to walk the battlements at night, tells me he loves the look of my eyes beneath starlight. We walk, of course, and for a time my fear and dread leave me long enough for me to enjoy it a little bit. My arm is linked with his and I allow myself the tiny pleasure of imagining a future for us. I imagine us walking arm in arm on the Trevelyan Estate, with him getting used to having a real title to his name. If anyone deserves it, it’s him.

    “Hadiza,” his voice pulls me out of my fantasy and we stop walking long enough for him to face me, “I know you’re hiding something from me.”

    I look away quickly, but it’s the wrong reaction because now he’s certain. All I want is for him to be as oblivious and dense as he’s always been when it comes to me. He didn’t even know I’d liked him from the moment he met, and now he knows I’m terrible at hiding things. He tells me to look at him, but I don’t. Not yet. I have to be strong, I have to turn back this wave of fear that’s making me falter in his presence, and I have to exert my own will between us. He made me make a promise I’m not sure I can keep, so I will make him promise me something in turn.

    “Commander,” I say to him, my gaze dragging from the cold stones to meet his own. He’s startled at the use of his title, but I keep my expression as serious as possible. Sensing where I plan to take this discussion, he releases me, steps back to a respectful distance, leaving the cold wind to pass between us. Good, the cold is sobering, the look on his face is enough to keep me going down this path.

    “As you know, I am due to walk into battle with Corypheus any day, now.” I pause for effect, waiting. He crosses his arms, puts on that expression that he reserves for official meetings and his men. Good, I have established the nature of this dance, now to lead him with the steps. I take a deep breath, exhale through my nose, and then I continue.

    “The chances of my survival are slim at best, even with Morrigan to match his dragon,” _Keep going, Hadiza. You can do this. Just lay it out as if you’re in the war room_ , “I might not come back.”

    There’s a momentary flicker of worry in Cullen’s eyes, a shift in his weight, and he parts his lips to take a breath as if to speak but I hold up my hand. I can’t afford to lose my nerve, now. Not when the truth is pouring from the fissure in my heart with each word I breathed into the night air. I’m not lying to him, but I’m not being entirely honest either. I can’t tell him this as Hadiza, so I let the Inquisitor handle it. I cower like a fool in the Inquisitor’s mighty shadow because I know Cullen cannot question her. He will second-guess Hadiza, but not her. She is in command.

    “In the event that I do not return, Commander, I need you to swear in Andraste’s name that you will do everything to ensure the Inquisition stays its course.”

    _Don’t come after me, my love. Don’t mourn me until the job is finished._

“Hadi--” He begins but my expression stalls him and he sighs, amends himself, “ _Inquisitor_ , we don’t know what will happen. If you do…” Andraste’s Crown! I didn’t count on this. Just as I hide behind my title, so too does he hide behind his. The words he speaks are just as hard as the ones I do. He has to take my orders, but he doesn’t have to like it.

    “If you don’t survive, it is only a matter of time before Orlais or Ferelden encroaches on our doorstep.” He tells me this as if to elicit some manner of guilt from me. I already know what will happen when the Inquisitor dies. He’s not telling me anything Leliana and Josephine have not already planned for. But what will happen to him if Hadiza is gone?

    “However,” he continues, “should we lose you, Inquisitor, I will ensure that the Inquisition does not stray or falter. In Andraste’s name, I swear it.” His face is a stone mask, but his eyes are blazing. He’s angry with me. I lured him into a trap to make him promise he’d be the Commander and not my beautiful, foolish Cullen.

    Our hearts are tangled up in strings of our making, but I need his sword to cut us out if we’re to--if _he’s_ to survive this.

    “Is that all, Inquisitor?” He asks me. I take a deep breath and my chest tightens because it’s not nearly all. It’s not enough.

    “Yes.” I breathe, smiling sadly. Cullen looks as if he wants to leave me there on the battlements, as he’s still angry with me, but at the same time, now that I have put the possibility of my death in his mind, he’s wrought with discontent. Every moment that passes is now precious and neither one of us can afford to waste it for fear that my time may come unexpectedly. I’ve placed a burden on him that he has to bear because it is his duty. I can see that love binds his heart in inextricable chains.

    When did the thread become chains to us?

 


End file.
